My mom heart hurts....

Adulting is hard. Parenting is even harder in my opinion.

Anytime I see a kid struggling, it tugs at my heartstrings. When it’s one of my own kids, it kinda feels like there isn’t enough oxygen in the world. I cannot breathe.  Like I would do anything to help them. When I don’t know how to help them, or if I feel like I have exhausted all my resources to help them- I honestly feel untethered.

Yesterday was a day of complete untetheredness. (Yup, I made up that word.)

We have not been shy about Boeden’s learning challenges. We talk very openly about his ADHD and Dyslexia. And anyone who chats with him knows about his speech challenges. Lance and I have been leaving no stone unturned since Boeden was 3 years old. The best speech pathologists. The best neuropsychologists. The best schools. Year round tutors. Therapy. Therapists. Medication. So when his mid- year school assessments arrived in my email, I just clicked.

HOLY SHIT. There should have been a trigger warning. SOMETHING.

We thought he was doing okay. No one led us to believe differently. I mean we know he is quite far behind for his age, but all of his specialists have always told us to expect him to present/score 2 to 3 years below his actual age. So we kinda knew what we were dealing with. Or so we thought.

<1%- VERY POOR

<1%- VERY POOR

<1%- VERY POOR

Seeing  <1%- VERY POOR after every single category doesn’t just take your breath away. It sucks the wind out of your entire being. If he can’t be successful at a specialized school for kids with his exact learning challenges- what is our next step? I think that was the scariest part. This was the first time we felt that we didn’t have a plan. It was no longer a fork in the road- it felt like a dead end. 

No sooner did we finish our meeting with Boeden’s school, my phone rang. Liliana had been turned down by the internship she was REALLY excited about. I always worry that she puts too much pressure on herself so I can’t say I was super empathetic. I said “Great, maybe you can coach again, study for the LSAT and shadow some lawyers and lobbyists.”  I wholeheartedly believe that things happen for a reason…and the right opportunity will come along.

But I am now well aware that I should not have actually said “great”- cause rejection certainly does not feel great. But this girl works so hard. Her GPA is about as close to perfect as it gets- and let’s just say that I am not personally familiar with that scenario!!! I feel like our kids have the rest of their lives to be nailed down to jobs and responsibilities- college is their chance to explore. Learn things both in and out of the classroom. Have fun.  

She was so upset. Tears. And more tears. And I knew nothing I would say was going to make her less upset in the moment. And that feeling sucks. Any mom wants to be able to kiss a boo boo and make it all better. Man, I miss those days.

I did take the opportunity to remind her that my internship before senior year was at The Today Show. But not in NY. It was in Willard Scott’s shoebox of an office in DC. And while I can’t recall my exact title, I am pretty sure I was nothing more than the mail opener and sorter of free stuff that poured in every day hoping to make it onto his 2 minute weather segment on TV. I went on to get my degree in English only to become a technical recruiter followed by a baker. But I have kinda loved my life, so it all works out, right? 

And then to add insult to injury, Bensten and his girlfriend broke up. He didn’t see it coming, so it hurt. It’s high school- it happens. But he is such a sweet  human, he is beating himself up that he must have done something to “let her down”. I have tried to explain that high school girls are fickle- and he might never know what caused her to change her mind. But I have felt ill-equipped, cause once again, I just want to be able to make my kid feel better….kiss the boo boo and let them pick which bandaid we apply….

So, baking has once again been my salvation. My chance to actually start and finish something and feel good about the final product. I know my kids will be fine. Actually better than fine- but not being able to make it all better in the moment sorta sucks for a mom.

Hope you all are having a good week. I know this blog post was kinda a downer. Maybe my next blog will be about puppies- cause this little dude is a lot of work, but is quickly becoming my emotional support dog. Very grateful to have him!

Xo,

Heather