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Heather Schone

Deep Thoughts...

Yesterday Lance and I were talking about a podcast he had listened to recently.  (If you know Lance, you know he loves podcasts. If you know me, you know that my attention span precludes me from completing most podcasts, so Lance’s sparknotes are perfect!)  We were discussing Jonathan Haidt’s article “End the Phone Based Childhood Now”. His findings are not just staggering, but they really hit home. Actually it was more like a sucker punch!  I have always said I got lucky in that social media didn’t really take a strong hold until my girls were old enough to have already developed a pretty healthy relationship with technology. My boys were not so lucky, and we are constantly trying to find the right balance. Boeden is definitely an ipad baby. Liliana gets so frustrated. When she is left in charge, she almost always makes him go play with chalk in the driveway- as she did at his age! She is not wrong!


Our discussion of the article was apropos- as we had just had Boeden home all week for Spring Break. Thanks to the delivery of mulch- he literally didn’t ask to go on his ipad once. And it was the happiest he has ever been. I am not kidding- he jumped out of bed happy every single morning and crashed so hard every night- from physical exhaustion and tons of fresh air. I have often used technology as a way to get a break from him. He has never enjoyed the types of activities that entertained my older three kids. This past week was probably the first time in YEARS that he hasn’t spent hours watching YouTube videos. Yes, Jonathan would be very disappointed by my parenting. But I also think that as parents, we are sometimes in survival mode. Or, sometimes we are just trying to get dinner made or finish a phone call. But at the same time, I do see how phones are changing how our kids interact with people- and it’s not headed in a good direction! Have you all ever watched a high school dismiss, or walked through a college campus? Every kid has headphones on or air pods in their ears. A few years ago I actually made a rule that my boys are not allowed to have headphones on on the bus to and from school. It worked pretty well until high school….I still ask Bensten to try and talk to kids….but I realize I need to be reasonable, especially if he just wants to decompress after a long day!


I am actually pretty grateful that while my boys are at school- they aren’t allowed on their phones. Bensten can have his phone with him, but I can tell you from the 3 to 5 business days it takes for him to “heart” my texts- he doesn’t look at his phone much during the school day. But I do notice kids getting together less- and I feel like I offer to host all the time- but B rarely takes me up on it. I also worry that teens are just not comfortable being around other teens in an unstructured environment. Again, shout out to sports- I am not afraid to admit that I make my kids participate in one team sport at all times. I think it came about when my girls decided to swim. I worried that it was more of an individual sport, and I learned so much playing soccer as a kid and then field hockey as I got older. And Lance’s sports career is surely the highlight of his life! We still laugh at Izzy’s basketball career. She was truly meant to be in water… Lance was her coach and it was some of the worst basketball we have ever seen, but some of the best memories! Such a great group of girls! And anyone who has ever seen me at McLean Little League knows that making Boeden play baseball has been one of the greatest challenges of my parenting career. I think it was a good 4 seasons of full blown anxiety attacks every time we got to the field - even when his uncle was his coach!! We are finally in a better place with regards to his anxiety (knock on wood) but Boeden’s challenges are very evident on the baseball field. Mclean Little League is amazing, and allows him to play on a team with younger kids. But, thanks to Lance’s genes Boe is now a good 9 inches taller than most of the kids on his team and he sticks out like a sore thumb. I am actually worried that kids might start getting frustrated with him, so I am wondering how much longer we will be at Mclean Little League…..but so far, everyone has been incredibly kind to him. And I continue to count my blessings.


And speaking of McLean Little League- they asked us to set up a Schone’s Scones pop up at Opening Day (next Saturday April 13th). I have always said MLL holds a special place in my heart, so please come by and say hi! There are so many of you that I have never met in real life- that was my favorite part of this event last year! Putting names with faces!!


And if you have time, read the article by Jonathan Haidt. And check out his new bestselling book and then remind yourself that we are all doing our very best…Boeden is on his ipad as I type this! Thankfully he goes back to school tomorrow!


***Some startling quotes from the article…in case you don’t have time to read the whole thing. (It took me 4 days to read- no joke!!)


"Smartphone-based life, it turns out, alters or interferes with a great number of developmental processes."


"Young people who are deprived of opportunities for risk taking and independent exploration will, on average, develop into more anxious and risk-averse adults."


"Touchscreen devices were also a godsend for harried parents. Many of us discovered that we could have peace at a restaurant, on a long car trip, or at home while making dinner or replying to emails if we just gave our children what they most wanted: our smartphones and tablets. We saw that everyone else was doing it and figured it must be okay."


"First, real-world interactions are embodied, meaning that we use our hands and facial expressions to communicate, and we learn to respond to the body language of others. Virtual interactions, in contrast, mostly rely on language alone. No matter how many emojis are offered as compensation, the elimination of communication channels for which we have eons of evolutionary programming is likely to produce adults who are less comfortable and less skilled at interacting in person."


"Kids going through puberty online are likely to experience far more social comparison, self-consciousness, public shaming, and chronic anxiety than adolescents in previous generations, which could potentially set developing brains into a habitual state of defensiveness."


"Staying on task while sitting at a computer is hard enough for an adult with a fully developed prefrontal cortex. It is far more difficult for adolescents in front of their laptop trying to do homework."


"Their phones are pinging constantly—one study found that the typical adolescent now gets 237 notifications a day, roughly 15 every waking hour. Sustained attention is essential for doing almost anything big, creative, or valuable, yet young people find their attention chopped up into little bits by notifications offering the possibility of high-pleasure, low-effort digital experiences."



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